i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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