Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There r osticjed everywhere
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
