That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
