Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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