shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
