Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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