all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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