11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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