apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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