Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
