Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just high enough for therapy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
