I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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