I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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