i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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