Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
