I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
