Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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