you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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