Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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