dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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