puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
