my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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