so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
