you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
