the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
