i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
