Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
