Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Randomize
