he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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