The maid of honor just puked.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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