Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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