I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize