I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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