tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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