What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
