I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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