just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need to calm my uterus...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
