I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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