were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
