my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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