Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
