He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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