OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
