I am puke
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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