i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
