Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.