I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes