When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
