i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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