Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
