she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
