I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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