I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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