You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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