is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
