mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I need moral support for this bender
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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