girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Welp...herpes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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