had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
