I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
