There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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