Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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