Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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